Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all everyone out there...
blink of an eye... it's christmas, and it's already 1 month after i broke off with her... why am i still blogging about my feelings ?? and especially my feelings towards her....

christmas is the time we used to enjoy... we went shopping mall spend 1 hour.... to buy the perfect gift for each other.. and come back meet at one point to exchange gift.... how sweet is it.... i really miss those times.....she got me a badminton racquet, i got her a doll dog that looked just like her dog.... that time she was depressed because the dog were sent for surgery... she was worried... when she opened the box, she was really happy.. that was the moment .... the moment of pure happiness....

sometimes i was thinking after broke off... how many actually made it become real good friends? i really think that when the moment relationship broke, the closeness between the couple should normally break... but if it's one sided break off, although saying that becoming close friends is possible.. but the side that didn't wantedthe break of is difficult to control themselves or take back the love that used to give out... in the end the one that called for breakoff is very easy.. as they don't need to do anything.. just forget everything... while the other side is struggling how to become close friends..... where sometimes you think of her as you still care.... but how much is too much ? how to become a close friend? especially my case.. ?

or maybe i'm giving out a little too much than so called close friend.... i guess i should pull back even more...as i reall cherish the friendship... but somehow asking myself.. if one day she called me and tells me that she wanted to get back... i really don't know.... if i should take it back or not.. while the other hand i'm really afraid of getting hurt same style again...

i'm confused again....i'm sad.... today is the day i decided to pull off further.... but can i do it ?...

上帝救救我。。。。。。这些感觉非常辛苦。。。非常不好受，已经一个月了，我还没有能够忘记我们美丽的回忆。

people nagging

really wonder why people like to nag...especially old people... even sister also like to nag...
basically why people nag ? can't they just sit down and tell...or make a statement in a polite form...

at home i got nag for not throwing a the empty can drinks.. just because i don't know where to throw, recycle or just treat it as normal junk.. some say recycle.. but where in the world is the recycle bin ? not on my desktop also :P

then i got nagged by my sister for not locking the door after i gone out... i was like what the hell... i went out and i got into the car to start the engine.... do i need to wait for you at the door for you to come out then i lock the door for u ? really pisses me off especially people that doesn't think...

but when i make a statement... the newspaper is very messy... after reading, please tidy up in a place... but then... old fart will say why can't you just tidy it up.... then i was thinking... why in the world that i need to tidy ur shit up.... just keep it tidy after using....

when i use those tools, or left over rubbish after i do something in my car... those old farts will say... why don't throw them ? now i'm thinking... why are they so contradicting ? if i were to use the same phrase that they use to me.... tell them.. why don't u just pick it up when u see that instead of asking people ? wonder what will happen...

i really don't like this life... i'm dying to get out of this life... my picture was painted this way... where i get married this year... and i get a house.. move in with her....because i've lived with her for more than 1 year... i'm comfortable with her around... she's comfortable as well...

at least this excuse of moving out of the house is milder than like now.... i'm all alone... and i say i wanna move out.... it's gonna hurt those old farts... so... it's better not to do so...sighs... when only i can paint that picture again where i find my love one... and get married and move out ?

where's my love.....where' s my little.... i miss my little....when i'm not happy at least she's around to hear from me.... now no more.... i want my little....

food talk time....

as some of you all readers know..... yesterday was tuesday. yes... mid week and there's a function/launch of a new shampoo at the Aloha club in KL.

i'm really suprised that even at this mid week, people is clubbing like mad... yes i retired from that scene long long time ago. why am i there? certain JSOC members are being invited to drive their car to the scene and supposingly to fetch those models to the scene and drop them one by one. but in the end due to their crazily stupid arrangement, we ended up wait and wait.... no models got in the car.. just drove pass the building and go in for carpark...

yeah... we got our goodies bag... then we head straight to dinner around 9 PM....we went to Ozeki restaurant along Jalan P Ramlee. yes it's near to Aloha, open by one of our member. 8 of us went for the dinner... here's the list of things that we ordered..... but i have no idea what's the name but in the end the price came out 4 digit.... but it's really really really hell worth it....

1. sashimi - served with fusion combination dishes and sauces dripped on them.. i rate it 9/10 due to the sashimi not thick enough :) greedy me..other than that.. the food is really really good stuff
2. baked avocado with shrimp - avocado cut in half, chop in piece mixed with special sauce and shrimp... then left it back in the avocado skin and add chess then bake.... this is another highlight....
3. charcoal baked chicken cutlet - chicken cutlet baked in charcoal oven using a hot pot. no sauce, just black pepper and baked in the pot. the chicken is really tender and soft even it's baked. freakin good stuff
4. baked lamb cutlet - lamb slices baked in hot pot with generous amount of rosemary herbs and garlic, the lamb is made just nice, not hard, not too raw, and most of all doesn't taste the milky lamb smell.... thanks to the generous amount of rosemary. something cannot be forgotten...
5. garlic fried rice - typical garlic fried rice :)
6. stone grilled Kobe Beff - this is the best of the night.... Kobe Beef marinated with sauce and grilled on a hot rock. for those who doesn't know how it feels like to bite kobe beef, can google it... all i can say is that, the fat is marvelous...it's soft... eat it while it's still medium rare... 10/10 for Kobe Beef.....
7. plum wine - during the whole meal, the food is complimented with plum wine, it's really smooth, and it doesn't taste like chicken essense like some other brand ones.... really good stuff as well....

this restaurant.. i rate 10/10 except the green tea pouring is too slow.. but the food is really really interesting.... another interesting part is the chef participated in World Gourmet Festival... something that's related to fine dining from all over the world come to compete.
rate yourself how good it will be :)

highly recomended.....

oh yeah... she used to call me Kobe Beef due to the reason that i like massage.... and relaxation with musics... like the life of kobe cow......

Afternoon blogging ??? no need to work meh ??

yes... it's 11.46AM in the morning, i would say it's almost noon. why in the world am i blogging.

i really think that blogging is really for someone who has no one to talk to, no one to turn to when the feeling turns chaos. i'm one of them.... in this very afternoon i feel it that way....

all i wanted is just care about her.... this is the 1st time she drive herself to cyberjaya all the way from klang. i just want to know if everything is okay on her side. and what i get in return is .... "why do you call me so often?", now i really think that there's a word in chinese really exist....
好心当狗吠。which means good heart people think it as dog barking.

when the relationship comes to an end, it's always the case where both parties move on. but the problem is that when the relationship comes to an end while it's one sided decision. it's not even something that's related to 3rd party, constant conflict, lost of interest, roadblocks, different oppinions.... no.... i'm not one of those cases... she just don't want it anymore...due to distance...

in these situations, she will move on really easy. because it's her decision... but she really don't know how much damange it caused to me..... i really wanted to hate her for doing so, hate her for everything, but i can't.. i just can't... she's someone really dear to me... i even worry about her which is shouldn't be anymore....

you can say that i'm that kind of people where not much friends around me.... if i were to have alot of frens, i would have moved on easier, just go out hang out more... meet more people...keep myself busy... but over the years.... when i was still as a tiny employee in a big company, i have alot of colleagues, frens, then i got attached with her... and the time spent is normally on her only... then got into distance relationship again.... in KL, i'm totally different situation... i'm all alone, i don't have much frens whereby most of my frens were in my past place... daily only hope on the phone at night to spend time and tuck each other in....

when all these ends, what i have is the 4 walls that never leave me.... that's why i said it's really difficult for me to move on.... the damage on me is more than i imagine, more than i expected. it's already 1 month, but i still feels the same... i need more time.... i don't want to worry about her, i dont' want to love her... i don't want to miss her... but how to do that ?

as my close friend always say about me... i always need people to be around with me, at least talk to me.... or the heart knows that someone is with me....i can't last alone.... i can't last alone too long.... if there's a plane crash into my room at night....ends all my misery and pain....

16th of December

ha........ it's 16th of december.... and it's her birthday... today it reminds me of alot... really alot about the relationship.. i still remember how i get her birthday. when we were just plain dating, not together yet, we did go out and watch movie as usual like normal people... we were in the cinema. yes i do know that her birthday was in december as she told me before. but never tell me the date.. so, it actually happen suddenly in the cinema she pointed at the seat number... 16... and tells me that it's her birthday. there... the 16th of december is the day that i really want to remember for life.

i've been looking at those videos we took last time, the birthday, the taiwan trip, the bangkok trip, not alot on the video side, but just some video clips that i took on my camera.... really make me miss the feeling so much.... the love between me and her is so pure....those few words that's recorded in those videos are " your turn to feed the fish", "he drag me here, i'm tired, i'm hungry and i want to sleep", "bu bu bu bu bu bu bu your snore", "happy birthday to you...." especially the birthday one.. last year i celebrated with her at Audees Penang, great food, not too bad tiramisu as birthday cake, with a candle and someone singing happy birthday .... what a good memory...

today i finally met up with her after almost a month of struggling. finally get to see her smile instead of her always busy on the phone. but yet can't spend much time as she's going out. passed her the birthday present and talked for awhile. trying not to make her birthday miserable about her decision on the relationship...

the highlight of the time with her today is hugs.....yes definitely not as close hug as last time.. but yet, just a simple one handed hug.... makes me tear up.... make me think back alot. but yet... the feeling is very good... feels like all my worries, sadness, trauma, sickness got unloaded.... the power of love is really really strong beyond imagine.

i really hoping that someday, i can meet her again.... or should i just make it i wished to have her around me again in future... hopefully during these times.... both growed.. hope that she understands me more... appreciate the things i do more...... sacrifice for each other....

i really don't know how long i'm going to be like this... blogging about how much i miss her, what we did last time.... like close frens said to me.... time will heal the wound.... this is really one deep cut wound....already a month, and it's not getting any better....still miss her...still dreaming about her smile... her voice...

missed out a day

hmmmm i missed out a day of blogging... no big deal... it's too tired for me to blog as i reach home and went for gym straight away... then went for a leg nin nin....

some will question what is a leg nin nin, it's actually a foot reflexology. but it's a term that me and her shares.... and it's something that me and her really enjoy doing it together in some shopping center. yeah i got a card that's signed up for 10 courses or even 20 courses of leg nin nin. 80% of time times we were together doing it. we enjoyed... and when it's done, we came out and discuss about which part is hurting and who is slacking or who's really good. :)

just like how we all treat foods. we used to criticize foods who can cook, who can't.. and also we do blacklist a number of restaurants in Penang that basically can't cook. and why in the world they are opening a restaurant when they can't cook... that' question beats us....

all these on top are just the past.... she asked me to move on... move on... don't think back... i wished moving on is just as simple as just flipping pages in story books. probably my feeling towards her was too strong and causing it difficult for me to flip pages in a book (moving on). but i've already accepted that it's over, but feeling still exist.. so, it's gonna be a transition ... a long one for me to really get back my own life without clinging on her, dying to listen to her voice at night.

she probably moved on easier than me cause it's her decision of taking this break. yes she admit that she do think of me at night when lonely, she's a human afterall. it's almost 1 month after the official declaration of independance (wtf), still feels like it just happened yesterday. my life has came to a pause .... but my work still goes on. it's my own personal space that's having a pause... it's like missed out fuel to move forward. fuel starvation or is it a love starvation ? i miss her alot.

wanted to hear from her... eventhough on the phone it's just "i'm outside with frens", "i'm busy", "i'm watching tv", " i want to take a nap", it's a simple satisfaction that doesn't last more than 30 minutes. never really have a conversation ever since.... this could last for a week time without a proper conversation...

why do i still want to call her? starvation i guess, probably what i really missed doing is pressing "6" then "call" on my phone, then her face will immediately appear infront of me. this procedure is very something i've been doing for 2.5 years. of course what i could wished for is from the "connecting" changes to "connected" and the minute counter starts......which means she's picking up my call, she's not avoiding me... but one thing for sure, she had stopped smsing me. she used to sms me or reply my sms when she's not able to take calls.... no more sms....

previously i do keep sms from her... alot of them.... from the time i got my phone.. kept until recently which is deleted all of them... some of the sms dated a year back....all the sentimental moments, the nickname she used to call me, the good night wishes, the happiness when she's seeing something wonderful, wishing me was with her.... all these stuffs. now it's gone...

everything on my phone is slowly disappearing even loads of photos that we took together, i've loaded into my computer and stored it there. only kept a few which is the latest and i'm really really really reluctant to delete them... i really can't do it... i really want to see her face once in awhile... yeah i should move on... as probably most of the people outside will think..it's too difficult....

can u imagine, love makes you fly high high up above... then suddenly.. you lost your wing.. all u know is that you fall helplessly... and slam on the ground...it's so hurt that you doesn't want to do anything for a moment of life... keep it at a pause.....think back how thin the air was up there in the high up above....really would like to be there again....

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a sleepless night

last night was sleepless. i could cound the clock ticking every second... is it because i'm thinking so much like what i wrote on my previous blog? i don't think so, i was relaxed.. but i think i was hungry... so i go on to sleep.. unfortunately i can't sleep because i'm too hungry that's 2 hours after i tried to sleep. and went to get some cereal to fill up my stomach.. then head back still the same can't sleep but not hungry anymore. the most interesting part is around 6AM..

as most of you all know, in a sleep, there are few process, tired, close eyes, lie down, relax mind, and poop fall asleep... and guess what... i witness with my own body and mind the transistion from relax mind to fall asleep. and i was halted in that situation for like 30 minutes...

during that time, my mind wasn't black nor white... it's silver in color...it feels like the whole body had forced shut down... but the mind is still very clear and sober... the eyes are shut down as well.. but brain still reading from the eye... thus it's silver in color...and it felt very very floating... the next thing i know is, i fall asleep.. and my alarm woke me up at 7.30AM.. which is just merely 2 hour of sleep.

today, i still miss her alot. but due to the fact that i'm super tired at the moment and it's 9.30PM that felt like 2 AM.... i guess the brain doesn't allow me to write anything that's touching and expressive.....yes i went to ikano power station today... same memories will definitely surface as the last shopping centre that we went as a couple is ikano power station that she bought the roasted rice tea with an imported tea tupperware..... zzzzzzzzzzzzz

that's all folks... till tmrw or next time.. :) happy reading...

My 1st Blog..... my emotions.....

i believe this is supposed to be my first blog.... haven't experience anything like this before but i'm a kind of people that likes to be with people around when i have problems or unhappy or even happy.

some say... blogging will help someone to express their feelings..
some say.. blogging is for lonely people...
some say....blogging are childish...

yeah, i could say that i'm lonely, maybe i'm childish in certain angle, but i'm a sensitive guy. although i have families around me, but i work with them, i stay with them, i see them 24 hours a day. that probably make me doesn't appreciate what's going on in my life.

Today's emotion has really been upside down.... why am i upside down?...This weekend is her birthday... i miss her really alot. we've been together for 2.5 years. the places we go, the words we commonly share, the sceneries that we witness, as everyone knows, in a relationship everything is just so beautiful.

Yesterday i went to One U to buy her the present. why am i buying her the present? i really don't know. all i know is I love her alot. One U was once the place we like to go. watch movie there, had my birthday celebration there at Italianies. going there alone is kinda make me think back the path that we walked.... this shop then that shop... when i look over at the Nine West shop.... i saw her shadow.... looking at me, is this beautiful? then my answer is always "it's beautiful no matter what you wear." then i walked down to the old wing's food court, pearl milk tea is our favourite. the place make our favourite pearl milk tea other than the ones in Taipei. This time no shadow, but her voice appear in my mind, " i want one for myself, one for yourself, and one for my mom" then i will always say "yes little! "

i really miss her, i really miss the touch of my hand brushing through her hair, i miss the hug.... promises that i made hasn't been able to realise as well. i really miss her so much that it's clogging my mind as soon as i finish my work.... i'm addicted to her.. daily talk to her over the phone... how could something like that can stop immediately... yes probably i'm not strong enough....

we previously had plans to get a house, get pets, get married, get a ring... suddenly all these is just nothing mere of a past...i'm seriously hurt .... but i still love her even the break off hurt me alot... some say.... i'm really big heart.... i'm forgiving... i extinct already...regardless what...i still worry about her, i still love her, i would still hold all my promises that i made to her....i would really wish that someday....... she will come back to me.....

i will really miss her smile...i will really miss all the things we did together....most of all i miss just being around with her....